Last year a giant wave came crashing in. I wasn’t prepared for this. At the time I didn’t fully know how to surf or swim. Luckily I learned that the only thing to do is give in, not persist. Releasing the unwavering notion that I had the ability to control these waves.
They carried me for a while, not knowing where I was going. At times gasping for air, “where am I?”. Yet I knew, it would bring me somewhere safe.
And it did.
I would be lying if I told you last years journey was anything but enlightened. There were times I was a mess. I drank too much, ate to much and at times didn’t feel enough. But that’s ok. Just like waves we go up and down. There is a lesson in that, the beauty underneath the layers of dirt.
Here is what I have learned during the past 12 months. I will quickly address them now, but will also dedicate separate more in depth posts on these “lessons”.
1 A call for action
I care tremendously about the state of our planet and its inhabitants. This is why I’ve decided to invest my time and energy into spreading awareness and compassion/love. We need to be aware of certain issues, we need to understand each other. Through this we can create a more safe and compassionate environment.
Many people are already doing this, they inspire me greatly. I hope many more will join this movement. Tiny ripples in this large surface can cause giant waves.
2 Our resilience
If I look back to the course of my life, this has always been there. In fact, we all carry it with us. A resilient force, deep within us. Often it isn’t until we face tragic events that we are aware of this.
After my diagnosis with hiv, I got to learn just how strong I truly am. Keeping in mind this has always been my biggest fear, I thought I would crumble and fall back in the dark pit I once found myself years ago. In fact it only ignited my flame, my passion to keep moving. To use my privileges to knock down doors for my fellow brothers and sister. Just like many are currently doing today. Alone I am strong, but together we are a resilient force, unstoppable.
3 Space to feel
In all honesty, I often forget how crazy last years events were. Not knowing how to fully process everything that had happend send me on a path of distractions. Wether it was being with friends, drinking, dating, buying clothes, working out or eating, I constantly grasped for the tools I have thought myself to cope. This time I am fully aware, fully aware of what I was doing, creating moments for me to feel. Little by little the process unfolded itself. The feelings came creeping in, as a beast in the night. I was prepared.
Now I’m at a space where I am slowly removing myself from these coping mechanisms. Creating space for me to simply feel. How I am doing this will be shared in a separate post.
One of the most important things for me is to be honest. Honest to my Self, and honest to anyone I encounter in my life. This is a practice that isn’t as easy as said. We often don’t want to be confronted by the ugly truth, and it takes even more strength to show this to those we encounter. This makes us vulnerable, something we are often afraid of.
By being honest I have created some beautiful connections, with myself and those around me. Honesty is one of the keys to my healing journey.
Waves of ups and downs have set me on this journey. I am truly grateful, even when they crashed and left me in rumbles. Sometimes as a whole we don’t realise that we are build by beautiful pieces. I held these pieces in my hands and decided to create something even more beautiful.
I surrender to these waves. Knowing this well set me free. Carrying me home. To the land, where I can simply be. Me.